I’m late. How unusual. But as with everything in life, my head wasn’t cooperating with the rest of me over the New Year section of the year, and having discovered a few months back that my diagnosis is, in fact, that I’m bipolar… let’s just say that the period around New Years saw me having a particularly ‘bipolar’ session.
New Year isn’t my favorite time of the year, something I might have mentioned in the past. This year – so much so – that I didn’t make any resolutions on New Year’s Eve, instead spending both New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day in a funk. While so many people consider New Year’s Eve a time of celebration, a time to grab a couple of drinks and celebrate the forthcoming year as a time of optimism and new beginnings, I tend to be the ‘glass is half empty’ kinda gal.
New Year is when I consider the passing of one year and the possibilities for the next with the same, entirely pessimistic view. I berate myself over what I failed – and worry myself to death over what might happen in the following year. Kinda tragic, but there you are. And I don’t think I’m the only person on the planet to do this, but sometimes… sometimes I suspect I’m the only person in this particular boat.
Consequently, I didn’t make any resolutions last Thursday night. I’ve done all the obvious ones… given up smoking… worked on and successfully self-published some books… heck, this past year, I even found the courage to sign up with a publisher (which is proving to be the best decision I’ve ever made)… and set up a small editing business.
But I couldn’t think of anything ‘big enough’ or ‘important enough’ to consider as resolutions for 2016. And given the ‘bipolar funk’ I’m just now emerging from, I didn’t think I had anything which fit the bill.
Fast forward to the fourth of January… and I realize I do, in fact, have a couple of very important resolutions to be made for the upcoming year – things that will better my own situation, and hopefully, teach me something new about myself.
Consequently, here is my list. (Drumroll, Please.)
- Learn to like myself. Something I struggle with, every day. I am truly my own worst enemy, and can’t see that I might have something positive to contribute to friends and family. Why would anyone like me – when I don’t like myself? To improve in this regard, I’m going to try and think of one thing each day that I like about myself and write it down. When I’m at my lowest, perhaps those written reminders will help.
- Don’t be so hard on myself. This is a biggie, and one which I struggle with daily. I’m a massive ‘responsibility taker’. If anything goes wrong, it’s entirely my fault. If a bill doesn’t get paid on time – I’ll immediately berate myself for missing it, even though I live in a house with five other people who could all take responsibility for the situation. If we run out of toilet paper – that’s on me, and I should have better control of things. If the Gang of Four are late for school/work – somehow, even though they are mostly adults – I can find a way of bringing it back to my fault. My mantra for 2016 will be ‘I’m not in charge of everything. The people surrounding me need to take responsibility for their own lives, and I can’t micro-manage everyone’s lives and keep them from making mistakes.’
- I don’t have to please everyone. I think I may have tried this one in previous years, but I’m yet to learn it. I’m in charge of my own happiness – but I’m not responsible for anybody else’s happiness. And if people don’t like the way I lead my life or think I should be doing something differently… that’s on them, not me. I need, very much, to learn this one and get it to stick. I’m so very tired of feeling a sense of overwhelming responsibility to please other people. And I spend so much time anxiously worrying over pleasing those other people, that I forget to enjoy my own life with the people who matter.
So there you are. Nothing particularly life-changing to the majority of the planet – but for me – three things which would make a huge difference to my own self-esteem and belief in myself. So I begin 2016 with the best of intentions, and we’ll see how it pans out in due course.
And to those who read my blog – I wish you the very best of luck in following through with your own resolutions in 2016.