Tag: Anxiety & Depression

Been a while since you’ve all been subjected to an epic post in which we all get to giggle at the lunacy that is me. Today has been one of those nutty days, where things rapidly got out of control.
Tomorrow night we’re having a get together with BIL, SIL and MIL for the joint celebration of SIL’s Birthday and mine. (We share the same birth date.)
So in my wisdom, because I’ve gradually been getting back into baking, I decided to forgo ‘Plan A’, which was to go out to dinner, and replaced it with ‘Plan B’, in which I decided we would have a range of yummy finger foods… of which I would do some of the creating. As with all my brilliant ideas… it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning, I set out with purpose to create some of the finger food-style dishes we’d planned. First step, make up some Bolognaise Sauce in preparation for a batch of savory muffins.
Naturally, being a cluster, I managed to make quite a mess while cooking the meat, and had red pasta sauce all over the stove top. With the muffins finished and in the oven, while I had started on Recipe Number Two, I suddenly decided I’d better tackle clearing up the stove before I continued with recipe two.
While cleaning the top of the stove… the power went off. Didn’t take long to realize I’d tripped the safety switch, because Gizmo the Vacuum cleaner set of autonomously on his merry way – a sure sign that we’ve lost some power, not all.
Leave the messy stove, and the baking muffins, and head out the front of the house to reset the safety switch.
Hmmm.
Said safety switch refuses to reset, just keeps bouncing up and saying it’s been triggered by a safety issue.
Hmmm.
Head back into the house, and over the next 45 minutes, climb around furniture, behind cupboards, under beds and effectively twist myself into a decorative piece of macrame, while trying to single out the electricity culprit which is causing the problem. (Fortunately, I do remember to take the muffins out of the oven, which is still working perfectly.)
To no avail.
Clearly, this isn’t working for me… I still don’t have a clue of what is causing the safety switch to trip… and I’m getting a tad frustrated. I leave a text message with the Darling Husband, asking if he can ring me when he finishes work, so that I can pick his brain as to how I fix my current predicament. Go and stand out the front and study the meter box for a while, and realize that the safety switch controls four different areas of power, with four different switches. Through process of elimination, I manage to figure out that the ‘Zone 2’ is the issue. Back into the house, to try and figure out what area of the house that might relate to and discover it’s Adam’s bedroom, and the back wall of the kitchen.
With another 30 minutes of pfaffing about, I narrow down the problem to the kitchen… either the fridge/freezer… or the stove.
Hmmm.
Muck around with the fridge, giving myself a new hernia by pulling it out to get to the power point, unplug it, make the fiftieth trip out the front to try and reset the safety switch… and power stays on!
Progress!
Come back in, and discover something rather odd. Now that I’ve located the general area of the problem, and the power is back on… the stove top is acting a bit hinky.
As if possessed by a recently arrived poltergeist… the automatic ticky-ticky ignite-the-burner-things are all ticky-tickying of their own accord.
That doesn’t seem right. Study the stove top for a minute or two, trying to figure out what the hell is going on, and then it occurs to me. Perhaps, during my very industrious cleaning of the stove top, I’ve managed to short-circuit the ticky-ticky igniter things.
Hmmm.
Discover quickly that I can’t stop the ticky-ticky things, which is going to get very old, very fast. Aggravating noises tend to… well… severely aggravate me. I need to find a way to turn of the ticky-ticky things. And soon.
Turning off the power won’t work, because, as we’ve already discovered, the stove top and refrigerator/freezer are on the same ‘Zone’. Can’t leave the fridge/freezer not working, so now I need to figure out a solution. I don’t particularly want to ring DHA and tell them what I’ve managed to do, so I decide on a solution.
I’m going to fix it myself!
Investigate the top of the stove top and see some likely looking screws possibly holding it all together, so go off in search of a screwdriver. Wrong size screwdriver, so go off in search of another one. Finally get the stove top undone and lo and behold! I can lift the hotplates section up and off, so that I can see underneath to all the ‘worky stuff’.
Except that I don’t have a clue of how the ‘worky stuff’ works. And in the meantime, those ticky-ticky igniters are still driving me to within an inch of losing my mind. (Yes, I’ve done all that, with the power still on.) But I do discover that now, when I turn the gas knobs and push down on what’s left of the buttons… water is dripping out of them. I believe I’ve found the problem!
Attempt to pull out a wire that seems to be attached to the ticky-ticky things, which is about the same time as I discover that I probably shouldn’t be pulling at wires when the power is still on.
Yikes.
Go back outside (for the millionth time), and turn off the power again. Come back in, and pull out a couple of plugs which appear as if they could be the likely suspects. Go back outside, turn the power back on, come back in…
And the ticky-ticky things are still ticky-tickying.
Hmmm.
Touch another wire, get another mild shock, go back outside and turn off the power. Come back in, and pull out every single wire which looks like it could be involved with the ticky-ticky things. Go back out (feeling like I’ve run a marathon), turn the power back on and…
Success!
The ticky-ticky things, thankfully, have shut the hell up. A quick check confirms that I can light the hotplates with a match, and I decide this is the best option until the ticky-ticky things have had a chance to dry out thoroughly.
As I was partway through prepping the second recipe, I decide that I’ll put the butter in the microwave that needs to melt, and while that’s happening, I can put the stove top back together and move on with my day.
You just know it went wrong, don’t you?
Yep, in my wisdom, I put my 50gms of butter in the microwave… not for 20 seconds, which would be a sensible period of time for melting, but for TWO MINUTES and TWENTY SECONDS.
I realized my mistake, right about the time that the little bowl of butter explodes all over the inside of the microwave, covering every single surface in melted, buttery goodness.
Which is precisely the moment when the DH calls me, to find out what’s wrong… and proceeds to listen to the long, torturous disaster that has been my day in the kitchen. (And I can actually HEAR him grinning, over the phone, as I explain everything that has happened so far in my very ‘technologically precise’ manner).
While he’s not thrilled that I’ve been playing with live power, he is pleased to hear that I’ve found a solution. Kind of.
And that, my friends, is another day in the life of me 🙂

Some mornings, I get up, have a quick shifty at social media and decide it’s all too hard.

I’m out of sync with the rest of the world and on mornings like this, I don’t seem to understand any of it. I’m not competitive. I’m not driven by anything, except the black dog that takes over my head from time to time. I’m a simple person, who likes to write a story and immerse herself in the characters. That’s where I’m comfortable. That’s where I’m safe. I like being at home. I don’t like being out. People don’t understand me, and that’s okay. I am who I am.

What, you probably wonder, has set me off on this tangent?

Social media.  The seemingly thousands of people out there, who are racing down the ‘I’m a published author’ path and seem to constantly  push and promote themselves until they’re blue in the face.  Facebook.  Twitter.  Instagram. Dare I say it – WordPress.  Blogger, and the other 72 bajillion opportunities there are out there, to plug your name, your books… your brand.

Some mornings, I have a quick squizzy at my usual go-to spot on the web – Facebook.  Like most people, I’m linked to friends and family, and like to catch up with what they’re doing.  As a necessary evil (in many cases) I’m linked up to many other people who are authors, like myself.  (Another conundrum.  Am I an author?  Or am I just a woman who likes writing books?  I digress, that’s a subject for another post.)

Anywho… on mornings like this one, I find myself completely intimidated by the ‘publicity’ side of being an author.  ‘Read my book!’,  ‘Available now – free!’, ‘Sign up for my Newsletter’, ‘Like my FB/Twitter/Instagram/Google+ page’, ‘Cover Reveal!’, ‘Attend my Release Party!’, ‘Find out all about me – the author!’ – it’s repeated, ad nauseum, across page after page, after page.

And don’t get me wrong… I’m as guilty (on a ‘running hot and cold, sometimes I do it, sometimes I don’t’ basis) of leaping onto the publicity bandwagon, trying to get my six books ‘out there’ and noticed, as everyone else.

But here’s the honest truth.  I suck at it.  I’m not good at the ‘look at me’ stuff.  I’m not good at the ‘interact with people who’ve read my books’ stuff. (I’m not comfortable with the concept of calling them ‘fans’.  I don’t have that much faith in my own abilities.)

And on days like this, I look at Social Media, and I think ‘ugh’.

So for the people who have, very kindly read my books – I thank you.  While it’s a toss up between me being utterly terrified over your thoughts, or thrilled to bits to think that you’ve taken time out of your life to read the stuff that topples out of my head on a regular basis – I thank you.

Unfortunately, if you’re looking for some publicity savvy author, one with all those up-to-date Social Media pages, a PA to do everything for her in the background, someone who knows the right thing to say, the right thing to do, and is the queen of media blitzes… you’ve picked the wrong person to follow.

If you’re looking for what I think is a pretty good read, well-thought-out characters, and books which take a while to get out there because I like to go over them again and again until my head (and believe me, my head is a pretty tough critic) is happy with them – then I’m the author for you.  But don’t expect to be able to follow me in seventy five different social media settings to find new and entertaining information about my life, my books, my characters, my upcoming books, my release schedule.  It isn’t going to happen.

My mental health issues are well-documented.  I don’t hide who, and what I am. (A bipolar, depressed, middle-aged, anxiety-riddled nervous wreck who has lots of voices in her head wanting to tell their stories, but has to fight with her own demons to believe they’re good enough for anyone to care.)  If you want to know anything about my ‘worlds’ this is the place to come. (Mainly because I like creating chaos out of order, and enjoy playing with this website – I find it therapeutic)

But I must warn you, the other places where I lurk and hover on Social Media, are a bit hit and miss.

And that’s just the way I roll.

 

 

 

Been a while since I’ve done one of these, but I think its worthwhile looking back and seeing where I’ve come from, and how much progress I’ve made:
Nowadays, the good outweighs the bad – something I never thought would happen.
I still have some extreme limitations, but I’m progressing at a steady pace. I’m doing some things which I never thoughts I’d be able to do again – but I’m frustrated, somewhat, by the list of things I still haven’t worked up the courage to do.
I’ve discovered that I can cope, far better, than I expected to do with our new living arrangements, and I think its probably good for me to look back and see what I’m managed to cope with in the first six weeks of Steve being ‘there’, while we’re still living ‘here’. It’s been a heck of a ride, and while none of these are life-changing, end-of-the-world scenarios – for me, they were huge steps in personal growth and proved my coping skills were better than I’d ever thought they would be.

1. Sorting out and dealing with the last of Nannsie’s belongings, including those 700-800 DVDs which turned out to be more like 1500-1600 DVDs. Coping with the many and abrupt mood swings she’s suffered since moving into the nursing home. Standing tough when she’s been misbehaving.
2. The fiasco over the non-working TV at the nursing home, and having to find a way of fixing the problem myself.
3. Attila (the mouse) – whom, I suspect, is still carousing around the place in his little camouflage outfit and Night Vision Goggles, avoiding the baits, traps and ultrasonic beepy things for all he’s worth as he continues to pillage the village for anything edible. Little bastard is still leaving ‘evidence’ of his residential status, and I’m still considering the Napalm option.
4. Bought herbs. Planted herbs. Kept herbs alive.
5. The time when I forgot to order any bread – but ordered enough eggs to keep the Western Australia chooks busy for a few days.
6. Organizing the masses of photos I’ve collated – with everything up to 1985 now organized (from the initial collection) and the next step is to start adding all of Nannsie’s, and the rest of mine from the multiple albums hanging around the place.
7. Bonnie’s Birthday. Jack’s Birthday. Adam’s 21st Birthday.
8. The great Centrelink debacle of 2016.
9. Days where I suspected the house was going to melt, because it was so hot outside.
10.Bonnie’s graduation
11. Epic drives to the other end of the planet and back, to get Alex to TAFE.
12. Survived a rude ignorant driver who nearly pushed me back into not going out at all.
13. Angus’s depression over Steve being away, resulting in extra ‘neediness’ on a regular basis.
14. The great gastro debacle of 2016, which coincided with Adam’s 21st birthday.
15. The escalation of Nannsie’s phone calls from one or two a week, to one a day.
16. Back problems, calf problems, eczema problems, sleeping problems.
17. A house inspection by the owners of the house
18. Jack having a flat battery – which turned into a ‘How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb’ moment, as Jack, Adam and I combined our (limited) knowledge to find a solution.
19. An epic fight with Nannsie.
20. The park across the road catching fire yesterday afternoon… 200 metres away is way to close.

I think that’s just about everything, and looking back over this list, while none of these issues was world-changing – they have, in fact, changed my world, proving to me that I can do more than I think I can, and that with enough determination, I can overcome the worst of my anxieties, tamp down the panic attacks… and do what needs to be done.

And in the best news so far? My writing muse is singing softly in my ear, and words are being produced on paper (hypothetically, as I use the laptop and MS Word – but that doesn’t sound quite the same). And that, my friends, might be the best news I’ve had in a very long time.

You realize you’ve been off the grid for while when you start getting ‘Are you okay’ messages from international friends because they haven’t heard from you – not even the generalized ‘Flick through Facebook and post a funny meme’ posts.
There are reasons for this, many of them too complex to go through here. But in light of this week being Mental Health Awareness Week, suffice to say many of those complex issues have a great deal to do with my state of mental health.
All writers, I think, suffer from a lack of belief in themselves. Self-doubt plagues us, fear of producing crap is a constant presence, and most of what we do write is dismissed as hopeless by that inner voice that taunts a writer.
And in my case – those persnickety mental health issues just add to the chorus of doom.  Why bother writing anything, they ask. You’ve never been any good at anything. You have always been a failure. You suck at this and you always will.
Add to those voices, a group of major life changes, and its become a recipe for disaster.
My little family (the Darling Husband and Gang of Four) are facing  major upheaval in the dying months of 2015. We’re looking down the barrel of significant changes to our lives.
And have I mentioned just how lousy I am with change?
Our options include a change of job, with the DH possibly leaving the Australian Air Force after twenty five years. That’s a pretty big change in itself. Or there’s the compulsory posting to the other side of the country if he remains in the services. Not something we, or the Gang of Four are thrilled about. (It was much easier to move, lock, stock and barrel when they were little, trust me.) Or there’s a position, some eighty kilometres from where we currently live, which may or may not be available which would require the DH to live away from home Monday to Friday because we don’t want the beloved daughter to have to change school for her final year. Or, worst case scenario, the DH takes the posting… and we see him about once every three months.
Consequently, D.S. Williams, Author is on extended hiatus, because with all that competing for room in my head, any characters and storylines haven’t got a hope in hell of getting through – until we know in which direction our lives are headed. 🙂 Continue reading “And Now, a Word (or two) from D.S.” →