It’s been a bit of a weird day, and I think the weather (gloomy, overcast and wet) has had an effect on my mood. But still, I thought perhaps an update is due.
As those who have been following this adventure would know, it’s now nine months since this odyssey began. Today is one of those days (in fact, this week has been one of those weeks) when I think I’ve come to a complete and utter standstill with regards to progress.
It seems as if I’m in the Twilight Zone. I’m living my life, but it’s a life half lived, with many, many insecurities besetting me from day to day. I spent hours wondering if it will get any better, or if this is as good as it gets.
Of course, this hasn’t been a good week to base any foundation of thought on. There have been any number of issues (which I won’t go into here – but suffice to say, our lives are in a state of flux, which messes with my already messy head.)
I’m feeling under pressure to ‘get better’ but as Steve tells me, its ‘perceived pressure’. Not pressure that anyone specific is putting me under (well, besides one person), but myself. Why aren’t I better? How can I speed up this process? Will I ever get back to normal? These questions cross my mind on a daily basis.
For those that think I should be better (including myself) this will put it into perspective. I take five and a half tablets a day – just to function as I am now. Tablets to help with depression, tablets to help with anxiety, extra tablets to help with anxiety when the anxiety won’t leave me alone. Tablets to help me sleep because I’m too wound up to wind down.
Still, I keep telling myself that there are hundreds, in fact, thousands of people out there who are worse off than I am – and it’s true. I have a home, a family and supportive people who love me. I can (sometimes) see the funny side of this situation (not today).
I’m sure that one day – I’ll be able to go out on my own.
One day – I’ll be brave enough to get on a plane again and go somewhere.
One day, I’m going to manage the shops on my own without a keeper.
Or manage to pick up the telephone and ring people. Of course, the phone phobia has been a long time building and I know people are thinking that is weird in itself, but here’s the thing; For over twenty years, I’ve had between 1 – 6 phone calls A DAY from a certain someone in my life (who shall remain nameless, but close friends and family know of whom I speak) Six is a worse case scenario, but it has been known to happen. Between 1 and 3 has been average. So now, when the phone rings, my anxiety levels immediately go up. When I think of ringing someone, my anxiety levels go up. It sucks. But I’ve found ways around it, and most everyone has been gracious in acceptance of my problem.
But still, I sit and wonder. When will it get better? When will I get back to ‘normal’ (and I use the term loosely).
I know this one isn’t very upbeat and look at the bright side… but I have to take the good days with the bad and with me – what you see is what you get.
Back to your normal programming, people.