Posted in Ramblings

An Update on the State of My Nation…

An update on the state of my nation.
Things are improving, not on a day-by-day basis but most weeks I do see some marginal improvements. Some days are better than others, some weeks are better than others, but I’m making a little progress on a fairly regular basis.
Now here’s one thing which I’ve become (painfully) aware of this week. There are big (…in fact large… in fact huge) gaps in my memory from the past sixteen weeks. Whole weeks are missing. So if you happen to be someone who asked me a question, or requested that I do something, or was expecting to hear from me about something, for whatever reason… I may well have forgotten. If it’s important, you might very well need to send me a reminder.
I still haven’t been out of the house without a keeper. But I’m getting closer. I’m almost able to consider getting in the car to drop someone off at rehearsals/work/school without suffering an anxiety attack. I haven’t attempted it yet, but at least I’m beginning to think I might be able to do it. Not certain that I could do much more than drop them off and come straight home, but I’m counting it as a tick towards progress.
Still having huge… HUGE issues with the concept of talking to people, socializing and dealing with phone calls. I can’t promise when that’s going to get better. I wish I could. I can now successfully give myself an anxiety attack over having an anxiety attack over the idea of telephoning someone. I’m not sure that’s progress, but the psychologist (did I mention I don’t have to see her this week?) assures me this is not an unnatural state of affairs for someone in my position and I have to be patient. I’m hearing that word a lot, lately.
Back to social issues. I’m not good at them. Jack’s appearing in Puss in Boots this weekend, and after a great deal of soul-searching, angst and stress – I’ve decided to forgo seeing his performance. I can’t face the large group of people and I can’t cope with the social requirements of chatting to people I know. Fortunately, Jack is an absolute trooper and has accepted my inabilities with grace and sympathy. (I am delighted that I got to see a photo of him in his kilt!)
Same goes for the grand plan of going to speedway on Boxing Day (which seemed like a fabulous idea two months ago, but has become a worrisome burden now). The thing with socializing is that I can do it – but I like to be prepared in advance, know how many people I’m dealing with and I do much better if its in extremely small groups. About the biggest I can cope with is my writing group, and even then, they have to be prepared for me announcing on the spur of the moment that I’m going home. Now.
So that’s the state of my nation for this week. In comparison to what other people have gone through in the past few days, I know my problems are tiny – but in my head, they are still somewhat insurmountable, and I’m working hard to fix that. It’s just taking time.

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