Posted in Advice & Information, Ramblings

A Giggle For The Weekend


In my other ‘life’, I’m an editor for a number of independent authors.

Yesterday, I got an entertaining email from a client – whom shall remain nameless.  Below is their email (with anything taken out which would reveal their identity) and my response.

Dear Editor,
This link, here above, is EVIL. As I’ve told you before (Oh! no I said ”as” again lol), I’m –>trying<– to write something a little bit more spicy… on the naughty side but as you may know already, I may be a naughty reader but it appears that I’m a prude author. ha! ha! true fact.So here’s the thing, I’m almost at 40k, I’m not sure how much longer it will be since it was supposed to be a novella. I thought it was going to be around 30K.  Okay, so the thing, I read that article and my heart skipped at least 20 beats. I wrote some of these things and now I feel like crap. I know I can change some of them.. I just want to know what you think about this article…
Happy Saturday to you,
Author Name Withheld

And below, having considered the evil article in question – are my responses. To make it easier to follow, I have copied the appropriate Erotica Lit Tropes the answer pertains to (but feel free to go and read the full article yourself):

Dear Writer,

Readers lap up this stuff.  Yeah, I know, I know – Cosmo is suggesting these things need to disappear out of erotica, but the fact of the matter is that they won’t.  Ever.  Women (and some men) love this stuff – who the heck doesn’t want to think that someone out there is having the perfect sexual experience with the perfect, hottest, sexiest man on the planet?  
Some of them, I definitely wouldn’t use… but honestly, who wants to read erotica in which the man tries five times to bring the woman to orgasm and fails, or is doing the deed with a penis that you need a magnifying glass to see?  Some of the things mentioned in the article are the main things we read erotica for – to be removed from reality and enjoy a bit of fantasy.
So in regards to what to use – here’s my definite no-no’s – but only my opinion…

“I come undone.” A thing no woman has ever said, either aloud or in her own brain.

I agree – ‘I come undone’ is used far too often.

Women come from penetrative sex. This usually happens either after never having a single orgasm in her entire twentysomething years of life or never having an orgasm from penetration.

It can happen that a woman orgasms from penetration alone (and I can’t believe I’m discussing this with you in an email…lol), but I do think it can be overdone and the majority of women need ahem… a little more than just penetration to orgasm.  So as long as you are using penetration and other stimulation in your description (am I editing this, by the way??) I think you’ll be fine.

Women never have bad pain or hesitation when he wants to put something up their butts. Be it his penis, a butt plug (Hi, Mr. Grey will you see me now?), a finger. She surrenders all orifices without hesitation no matter what object he wants to put inside her when in the presence of her “sex god.”

This isn’t a ‘shouldn’t be used’ – but I do agree that there should be some hesitation on the woman’s behalf about agreeing to everything the man wants to do.  She shouldn’t automatically agree to whatever he suggests and I like to see some ‘adult’ discussion between characters as to what they will/won’t accept in their sexual relationship.  

Quivering thighs caused by sexual arousal. Have your thighs ever actually quivered outside of a really hard inner thigh set in barre burn?

No quivering thighs.  Ever.  End of discussion.

UTIs don’t exist. Even if he goes from butt sex to vaginal sex, no condom change or “length” washing in between. This is possibly erotica’s worst lie.

 I’m surprised this one is on the list, because  I’ve read a LOT of erotica, and in the majority of cases, I find authors are writing with the existence of UTI’s being a consideration.  In the majority of cases, they talk about condoms, and washing… equipment…  So this one really isn’t seen that much in the writing world.  

The couple does it like seven or eight times a day and still has time to go out to eat and work at jobs. He is always sporting an erection and dealing with it is like a full-time job.

 I do agree that a guy can maybe do it once or twice (maybe 3?) times in a row – but banging like bunnies all night long and then functioning like a normal personal all day doesn’t really happen.  But this one I’m a bit on the fence over – it comes back to that ‘I don’t want to read erotica about Joe Average the Car Salesman who is 5’6″ tall, slightly overweight with a receding hairline and a really small penis, who’s doing the deed with Joan Average who is an accountant with a weight problem, and bushy pubic hair – and they’re going to do the deed once a night in the missionary position and five times out of ten she isn’t going to have an orgasm because she’s got other things on her mind and two times out of ten he’s going to ejaculate prematurely because he got too excited.’  
Which leads me back to my first point – we are reading erotica because we enjoy the FANTASY of it.  I know the male character in the book with the six pack, the huge penis and the never-ending ability to provide amazing climaxes eight times a night isn’t real.  Who wants to read real?
Hope that helps,
Much Love,
The Editor xxxxx

After pressing send – I realized I’d got sidetracked (see below for why) and this is the second email I sent to my client… 

Oh crap, I missed the ones after the rude Barney picture…


She always loves giving blow jobs. And swallowing. She acts like his penis is a damn cupcake or something.

Not all women love giving blow jobs.  And a lot of women definitely don’t like to swallow.  So I think that is overused.

All guys are really super excellent at finger-banging. Finger-banging is like the vegan, gluten-free pizza of sex acts. It’s never your first choice from the menu.

Not necessarily, but we’d like them to be – which leads back to this is FANTASY

Finger-banging in public — like, you’re at dinner with his boss — is common. Unless he is Gumby, his arms are not so long and bendy that no one notices him reaching down and twisting his elbow at an insane angle in order to finger-bang.

I don’t really see a lot of this in books – but again, this is FANTASY – not necessarily in restaurants, but some really sexy scenes are written about impromptu, in-odd-places sexual experiences.  As long as it’s not too bizarre, or is going to make the reader raise an eyebrow and shake their head – I don’t see the problem.
Okay.  Now I’m finished…

And clearly, now I’m finished with this blog post.  And I can assure you, this may be the craziest response I’ve ever had to give to one of my clients 🙂 Hopefully, some of you will find it as amusing as myself and my client did.

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